When parents of young athletes understand and act on the team’s core values, there is less distraction and the athlete’s experience is better.  Unfortunately, coaches, more often than not have to contend with parents whose adult-size competitiveness gets in the way of their children’s joy, satisfaction and performance on a team.

Years ago, I was coaching a high school lacrosse team that was playing an early Saturday morning game against a rival team.  Throughout the game, the parents and other fans supporting the away team were becoming quite vocal in their feedback over the official’s calls.  I sensed this behavior was becoming a distraction, not only for me, but also for both teams out on the field.  I called a time out and asked the opposing coach if it would be okay for me to express to the parents that their behavior was unacceptable.  I went up into the stands and the parents looked at me in shock when I dared tell them that “we do not do that here at our school.”  To compound the matter, one of my players took the liberty to rub my words in a little bit deeper by sharing his thoughts with the parents from our sideline.  This, of course, created an uproar – that I wasn’t aware of until after the game when the assistant coach of the other team informed me of my player’s inappropriate behavior.  Then, several parents of that team came over and let me have it.  Above all, I stood my ground on what I said to them and apologized for my player’s action and let them know that I would take swift action to resolve my player’s involvement, which I immediately did.  This was a prime example of individual needs getting in the way of the whole process.  Parents want their children to succeed and be safe when they play.  There ought to be standards with teeth that remind us that we should appreciate that sport competition is special and without entitlement, other than the sense of enjoyment that comes from goodwill, respect, being positive, and honoring the game.

Sports psychologist Amy Baltzell and her colleagues studied over 450 high school athletic coaches to determine “What is your greatest source of joy in coaching?” and “What is your greatest source of unhappiness in coaching?” They found that the greatest sources of joy were athlete growth and success, and positive relationships; while the greatest sources of unhappiness ranked highest to lowest came were dealing with issues with parents.

One way for coaches to lessen parent’s inappropriate behavior is to have them follow the team’s core values or “credo” of the team.  Most successful credos at the youth and high school levels include parents’ behavior. The credo identifies the team’s core values. The idea of declaring a team’s core values is not new. Many athletic programs have made the use of guiding principles attractive when they unveiled their credos as a way of evaluating the organization’s decisions. If the behavior supports the credo, it is appropriate and reasonable.

I once asked John Pirani, former head coach of the Winchester High School (MA) boys’ lacrosse team, about keeping overzealous parents from butting in during the game. He spoke to the parents collectively prior to each season. He told them that they weren’t responsible for the contest. They were guests who had a wonderful opportunity to watch their children play. He said, “I want your child to be comfortable. There shouldn’t be a compelling reason to directly interact with your child during the game, so you don’t need to stand on my sideline. Just watch the game and talk about it with your child over dinner.” John’s consistency of management in this area was crystal clear to his athletes, their parents, and other stakeholders in the community for years.

What Children and Adolescents Want Out of Sports

The Aspen Institute’s Project Play has done extensive research on youth sports.  They cite the work of George Washington University’s Amanda Visek and her colleagues on sustaining children and adolescents sport participation: “What the kids say is the most fun: They want social bonds and access to the action.”  Here are the top five things that children and adolescent sports participants think are most important:

1. Trying your best
2. When coach treats players with respect
3. Getting playing time
4. Getting along with your teammates
5. Exercising and being active.

By the way, winning was ranked 48^th on the list.

As an Under-9 girls’ lacrosse coach, Kevin Barney, director of sales and marketing at the Massachusetts Bay Youth Lacrosse League, says, “We’re at that first and second grade level and these are obviously mostly kids trying it for the first time. I just want them to have fun and want to come back. That’s the most important part. I put that up to the parents of my team before our first practice. I said, ‘Hey, we’re a brand-new team. The scoreboard might not always look pretty for us, but I promised them that we’re going to have fun.’” Kevin’s goal is for every player to want to play again next year. If that happens, he has a win. The scoreboard doesn’t matter, as long as they have fun with the sport and want to get better at it. By saying these goals out loud, Kevin moderated the competitiveness of parents.

The Aspen institute suggests that parents ask their children “about their goals and preferences in sports, then design their activities accordingly. Redefine success on their terms. At the same time, know the odds against your child playing at the college or pro level, and commit to making athletes for life.”

The 30-Second Commercial: Declaring, Analyzing, and Aligning Team Core Values

One way to for sports parents to declare core values is through The 30-Second Commercial. We have asked coaches and parents the following question: “If your child’s team (including coaches and parents) were to come up in conversation, internally or externally, what would you want others to say about it?” This question asks coaches, athletes, and parents to declare what they believe matters most on the team.  I call this The 30-Second Commercial  because it asks team stakeholders to advertise what they believe in a brief, clear, and concise manner. The helps coaches and parents to evaluate how well the program matches that ideal and to identify actions to close any gaps. By answering these questions, team stakeholders realize the degree of alignment between what they ideally want for the program and what is really happening. This exercise prompts all stakeholders to put the ideals of the program out on the table and work on sharing and achieving common ground.

• If our team (coaches, athletes and parents) were to come up in conversation, what would you want others to say about it?
• In what way does our team match the ideal?
• In what way does our team not match the ideal?
• What can we do to bring the ideal and reality into alignment?

When parents have dialogue and state how to bring the ideal and reality into alignment, they commit themselves to acting in accordance with the agreed-upon standards.  Then, they must act on them as they attend their children’s contents.  This enhances joy and satisfaction for all team stakeholders – coaches, athletes and parents!